Angie hammers Bach clinger after outing
Exposed in all his clingy glory, The Bachelorette's crying clinger is white-anted from inside the mansion on Thursday night and hammered by Angie in a desperate exchange that ends in tears. And that's all before he threatens to destroy his opponents while psychotic slasher music plays in the background.
Scoring any scene with psychotic slasher music makes everything instantly sinister. If I had one superpower it would be for psychotic slasher music to blare whenever I addressed small children and the moody ladies in the David Jones cosmetics department.
But this clinger's bold declaration of destruction would have been confronting even without the Scream 3 soundtrack.
That clinger Jamie is way too cocky for his own good tonight and it's all because he doesn't realise producers make 99 per cent of the decisions on this crapfest.
Case in point: The order Angie reads everyone's name out in at the rose ceremony. The order doesn't mean anything at all and is sequenced to create maximum drama. But Jamie doesn't believe us. He thinks it's an official ranking system and because Angie read his name first at last night's rose ceremony, this means he is now in first place. We allow him to keep thinking this.
"I'm on cloud nine about getting the first rose. Jamie has arrived. I'm stepping up a level. I feel like I'm on the level with Timm now," he boasts to the boys and … OK.
But when Ciarran scores tonight's private date, the news knocks Jamie off cloud nine like a rogue blimp.
"I feel cheated! I got the first rose! It doesn't make any sense. I'm sick of being overlooked. I need to be intimate with Angie!" he frets.
"Ew," we yell from our blimp.
Angie takes Ciarran out on a boat and he spends the whole time complaining about getting his blow wave wet. Geez Ciarran. Do you know how many men would kill to get their blow wave wet for Angie? Hell, 98% of men would just kill to know what a blow wave even is. Ungrateful.
Back at the mansion, we work tirelessly Glen 20-ing the entire joint in preparation for Angie's parents to arrive. Jane and Mark are total dolls but are instantly creeped out when they spot Jamie.
"I recognise her parents from Instagram!" he squeals before calling them Mum and Dad. Jane and Mark don't say anything but we can tell from the look on their faces they're terrified at being confronted with the guy who they keep blocking on their joint Instagram account.
Jamie keeps talking about needing "intimacy" with Angie but it's when he calls her mum "Janey" that we almost crash our blimp.
Angie's dad Mark takes half the boys out back to play one of Osher's made-up games where he asks them questions and they have to … answer them? I don't know how this got branded as a game when it's literally just a conversation.
Anyway, we're all bored until Dad asks the boys to dish on who the weirdest guy is. Dads are the biggest mean girls.
"Jamie," all the boys rush to reply.
At this very moment, Jamie is with Angie's mum Jane. Or, as he calls her without any permission: Janey. He gushes endlessly to Janey while opening his eyes unnecessarily wide.
"Have you been on a date yet?" Janey deadpans. Classic Janey.
"No … no . But, I got the first rose last night, so …" he compensates, still unaware that the order of the rose ceremony is completely meaningless.
Angie reconvenes with Mum and Dad to hear their findings. Jamie is convinced he nailed it. But what does Janey think?
"He's a bit intense," she declares. "They said to steer clear of him," Mark agrees.
So who do they like?
"I'd go for Carlin," Mark says. Oh Mark. He pretends to be all burly and rough but at the end of the day not even he is immune to the charms of a cartoon prince. But then he says he's also keen on Ciarran and, oh my gosh Mark, you're such a slut.
Janey loves Timmmm but only for a fling - not a relationship. But Mark thinks Janey is crazy. "He'd drive you f**kin' mad. I think he'd pest ya at the dinner table," he huffs. And too bloody right. I hate people bugging me when I'm trying to eat.
But putting aside Mark's trainwreck dinner date with Timmmmm, Angie wants to get to the bottom of what the boys revealed about Jamie. So she goes straight to the source.
At the cocktail party, Angie doesn't even have time to pick up one of those tacky red champagne glasses before Jamie lunges at her. She seizes the opportunity and tells him what the boys told her dad.
"One of the questions was, 'Who is the guy you should avoid?' And your name got brought up," she begins.
The colour drains from Jamie's face and he stares blankly across the lawn. He has been discovered. His only choice is to embrace who he is and spin it into a positive.
"They feel I'm too needy for you. Like a stage-five clinger," he confesses. Oh my gosh, he even knows the lingo! He must be clingier than we first thought.
"But I think it's sorta, like, a compliment," he adds, clinging to the dulled remnants of a silver lining. "Like, I'm almost too much of a good guy."
Australia makes this face:
"Too much of a good guy for me?" Angie snaps and, no sweetie, he didn't meant he was too good for you, but we don't bother correcting her because we want to see how dramatic this confrontation gets.
"I've never seen myself as a needy guy!" he defends and you can actually hear us laughing from our blimp.
As a sidenote, Angie makes a lot of great facial expressions during this exchange. At one point she gets so irate she almost has a touch of the Mercedes Corbys about her.
It all becomes too much for Jamie. He begs Angie to not throw him out because of slanderous hearsay and then he cries again.
Despite the tears, the game isn't over. One more card needs to be played. The dirty card. The one that exposes all the other losers in the competition and hurls them under the bus. We'd usually play this card first.
"Out of 10 guys here there's probably three genuine guys," he warns her.
This is the last straw for Angie. She's already annoyed at having had to babysit Jamie for the past 15 minutes and now he's whirling up more drama.
"Who are the three and why do you say three?" she snaps as he stammers. "If you're gonna say stuff like that then you gotta back it up. If you're gonna say it then you have to say who and why."
Angie hammers him with questions and he can only stutter in response. With each of his ums and ahs she tears off more strips.
"Once again, Jamie is naming names without actually naming names. Clearly he's just not happy with the way the chat's going and it's really starting to peeve me off," she fumes to us.
"Would it help if we instructed Timmmm to fetch you a drink in a tacky red champagne glass?" we offer.
But Angie's lost her thirst for drinks that come in novelty glasses and calls for the rose ceremony to begin.
"I'm devastated. This has been the worst night of my life," Jamie sobs. "I'm an innocent victim in this."
If Angie valued her personal space, she would send Jamie home immediately. But producers don't allow these kinds of selfish decisions and demand Angie act for the greater good - i.e. our own personal amusement.
Jamie is given the final rose and he reads way too much into being named last in the Official Bachelorette Ranking System.
Angie reluctantly pins the rose to his lapel and, when he tries to kiss her, she recoils and smooshes her mouth away so as to avoid contracting clinger cooties.
As Jamie joins the other boys, his left eye begins to twitch and psycho slasher music begins to play. For some reason, the tick-tock of an old-timey clock is layered over the slasher score and it gets gradually louder.
"I'm not gonna be a sucker anymore," Jamie whispers maniacally. "No one's safe! They're all gonna pay the price!"
I said the exact same thing to those moody ladies in the David Jones cosmetics department.