Pauline Hanson’s unwilling turn as reality villain
Wild editing claims, mispronouncing words and rocking the bee-sting look: Pauline Hanson is following in the footsteps of all esteemed reality TV villains.
The senator's storyline really picked up this week on the car crash reality series that is her political career and she felt the burn of Australia when secretly recorded footage of her aired in the Al Jazeera documentary How To Sell A Massacre.
In the footage, she appeared to suggest the Port Arthur massacre was part of a government conspiracy and then she threw a drink at Martha. Sorry. I'm getting my reality TV villains confused. Pauline only said the stuff about Port Arthur. It's Cyrell on Married At First Sight who threw the drink.
Anyway, the doco instantly turned Hanson into an unwilling reality TV villain and she continued to make her situation worse in the days that followed. Digging your hole deeper is a trait effortlessly exhibited by both Pauline and reality TV villains.
In an unintentionally hilarious press conference on Thursday, Pauline decided to use a tactic all our favourite reality TV villains have used before: she blamed mean producers and crafty editing.
"I feel that this has been dubbed out and it has been cut and pasted so many times," she told Today in another interview about the footage of her Port Arthur comments. "The whole lot was cut and spliced!"
I told HR the same thing when they were sent those drunk Instagram Stories of me at the work Christmas party.
"Sure, Jan," Australia eye-rolled at Pauline's editing claims and it's the same thing the HR lady said to me.
"This was a sting!" Pauline howled. It's unclear if she meant this as a fun little reference to her facial sore but we highly doubt it because her area of strength really isn't wordplay.
Can we talk about the facial sore? Because I swear I can draw parallels between it and reality TV villains, too. All reality TV villains have the bee-sting lips, but Pauline really didn't get it right and she just got a literal bee sting.
Of course, it isn't actually a bee sting. A few days before the doco aired she had a run-in with a tick or a flea or a mouse or something and it bit her face. What Pauline was doing hanging out in a paddock isn't clear, but there are bigger questions to answer - particularly about the National Rifle Association's new roadside assist policy.
In Pauline's Very Serious And Important Press Conference, she greeted the gathered media "good morning" even though it was 2pm before confusing the NRA (National Rifle Association) with the NRMA (National Roads and Motorists Association) and then spoke about some random lady named Jacinta Ahern who she believes is the Prime Minister of New Zealand.
Paulime Hamsorm isn't concerned with facts, information or basic pronunciation and neither are reality TV participants. This year's season of Married At First Sight has introduced us to words like "compoised" and "jep-ra-dize". Oh, you've never seen Ashley Judd in the 1999 thriller Double Jep-ra-dy? Do yourself a favour.
All reality show contestants blame editing when footage airs of them doing things they now regret. This year, Married At First Sight's Lauren blamed producers for making her say she's a "lesbian" and Sam also pointed the finger at them for staging his affair with Ines.
But compared to Pauline's mess, these contestants don't know how easy they've got it. Pauline's spewing those mean Al Jazeera producers didn't just trick her into saying she's a lesbian before making her have a dirty affair.
PROS AND CONS OF BUYING SEASONAL PRODUCE
When it comes to produce, I love buying seasonal. That's my really classy way of saying I've been buying Easter eggs since they hit stores about seven weeks ago and eating them alone.
There's something really empowering (sad) about buying Easter eggs for yourself as an adult to just eat as a snack (dinner) on a Tuesday night.
You're your own person! No one's gonna tell you what to do! You'll eat what you want, when you want! You work hard for your money, and if you want to buy an extreme number of chocolate eggs - in cash, so there isn't an archived record of your embarrassing habit - you'll do it!
Buying Easter eggs for yourself to eat well before Easter is a dangerous act that requires a certain level of stealth so you're not seen by strangers or acquaintances and made to feel like a massive loser.
The Coles near my house keeps its Easter eggs at the bottom of an escalator, which is just cruel. Whenever you try to go near them, seven hot people get on the escalator and you're instantly busted. The hot escalator people then stare and judge you for the entire duration of their very slow descent.
You've got to approach the stack of eggs like a drive-by. Don't stop, just grab and go. What you get is what you get. Come prepared with a shopping basket and a bag of spinach to cover the bounty once it's secured.
You don't want to be crouching in front of the supermarket shelf, rifling through giant chocolate bunnies trying to find a pristine one that hasn't been tampered with by an annoying child when suddenly a really attractive person appears and points at you in shock.
"Don't look at me!" you'd shriek, while surrounded by scraps of torn foil.
That's just a hypothetical cautionary tale (personal experience).
Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir