Dumped before wedding, so chin fat had to go
I BIT the bullet and had my chooky neck seen to this week, you know that little bit of plump skin under your chin that is there no matter how many kale smoothies you drink?
I got that little pocket of fat cool sculpted away. And they say money can't buy happiness.
I'm still not totally across what cool sculpting is even though Karen, my therapist in both beauty and life issues, had given me many pamphlets and explained it in full.
But until there was a miniature Hoover attached to my neck for forty-five minutes, I didn't really know what was going to happen.
Whenever you put a pic of yourself doing something like this on Instagram there's two kinds of responses. Firstly, the supportive pal with lines like, "you don't need this Mel, you're gorgeous as you are!" Or the more curious stranger, who asks, "how much was this and does it work?"
The price I won't reveal other than to say payment plans are available and yes it certainly is a luxury item.
In other news, loyal readers might be surprised to learn that I'm no longer getting married.
It's very sad but I had to tell you somehow, and what a coincidence in the week that I got dumped three months out from the wedding, I shout myself a new chin.
Most women buy a new dress and dye their hair. Not me. Clearly my chin fat was driving us apart and had to go.
So I guess I won't be able to sell my wedding pictures to Woman's Day anymore.
It's a shame as now even though I'm a size 14, my chin is a very spunky size ten.
If your relationship is crumbling, perhaps go see Karen. She'll tuck you in with nice soft blanket, check on you every ten minutes or so and ever so delicately freeze the fat cells in your chin.
Karen is like the mum you wish you had, a lovely lady who owns a machine that can make you hot again.
Cancelling the wedding has been a yucky time.
I'm still on the Tiffany email list, which triggers lots of bad feelings - just when you think that you and your new chin have got it together enough to get through the day, an email with a subject line, "immortalise your love forever" will pop up on my phone.
I wonder if my response to their computer-generated newsletter raised any eyebrows.
I replied: "Dear Tiffany, life's a bitch and then you die, please unsubscribe".
Probably a bit dramatic, but I'm sure their social media person got the message loud and clear.
So to sum it up, I'm single, still living with my ex, we're co-parenting our dog and our relationship outlasted six Aussie prime ministers, which is pretty good going.
Mel Buttle is a Brisbane comedian