Photo proves this year needs to end
How do we know this year's almost over? We run out of things to talk about.
Small talk has been exhausted at the office Christmas party and other various end-of-year functions that you swore you wouldn't stay at for longer than an hour but somehow ended with you ringleading a pub crawl through the city.
There's nothing left to say - we've repeated our best anecdotes. But it's not over. Now we've got to wheel out the same stories over the next week as we endure endless visits with family and relatives and other people we wouldn't normally hang out with. You're forced to yet again explain to extended family what your vague job title actually means. And even then, you'll face the question: "So … what is it you actually do?" Ah, annual traditions.
It was at precisely 11.57am on Friday when I knew this year was well and truly cooked and we had all run out of things to say. I was sitting at my desk after four hours of sleep, filing away incriminating photos of my colleagues that I captured at the previous night's office Christmas party. Minding my own business, I labelled the folder "BLACKMAIL" and diligently archived the drunken photographs and video footage and then made a duplicate folder to upload to the cloud, lest I ever need off-site access.
As a sidenote, I encourage you all to collate an arsenal of blackmail against your colleagues. I can't tell you how many HR claims against me I've managed to thwart with my growing cache of damning evidence that has been meticulously curated over the years. It can get you out of the smallest jam.
"Where are you??" my boss text me one Tuesday arvo.
"David Jones, got an issue?" I replied, followed by a GIF I made of her doing the robot at last year's Christmas party.
Needlessly to say, there was absolutely no issue.
My point is, blackmail is very useful and as I conscientiously organised my stockpile of new material on Friday, an email landed in my inbox. It was from a paparazzi agency alerting journalists to a new round of candid photos that were for sale.
"Michelle Bridges steps out with a Band-Aid on her hand," the subject line read.
Obviously I was captivated.
Inside was a breathless explanation that Michelle Bridges had stepped out with a Band-Aid on her hand. The accompanying photographs indeed showed Michelle Bridges stepping out - and you better bloody believe there was a damn Band-Aid on her hand.
You'd think there would be more to this email, but no. It did exactly what it said on the tin.
Because it is that time of year where there is literally nothing left to talk about. Happy holidays to you and yours and Michelle Bridges' Band-Aid.
ANOTHER SHOCK JOCK WE DIDN'T ASK FOR
Australia's most prominent media doyenne Richard Wilkins will helm Weekend Today where he's threatening to take on Kerri-Anne Kennerley as Australia's reigning shock jock in a move we absolutely did not ask for.
It's a battle of the bombshells. This year has seen KAK become the country's most formidable shock jock. It started when she got Yumi Stynes-ed and then she kicked it into gear by telling us all to run over climate change protesters. Ever since then the wheels have been in motion. But she better watch out because there's competition snapping at her heels.
Media maven Dickie has vowed to shock Australia with views that are as bold as his eyeliner.
"I've never aspired to be bland or boring, so I certainly hope to mix it up on the weekends," he teased.
Look, we get it. He's got more to offer than k.d. lang interviews and he wants to show us he has more layers than his hairstyle. I don't know which minority he's going to tell us to run over but most of us will never find out because we'll be at brunch.
Anyway, there could be another rising shock jock who could snatch the tiara off Dickie's head. Australia, please give a round of applause for Lara Bingle.
"Scott Morrison: WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU??? #AustraliaBurns #AustraliaFires," she tweeted at the PM this week, using her famous slogan from those old Tourism Australia ad campaigns.
Lara should wade into the political conversation more often - her voice was an enjoyable addition to the debate.
And now that 2GB bosses have "sacked" Steve Price from the arvo's talkback show, they're probably kicking themselves for not installing Bingle as their newest shock jock instead of The Other Girl.