REVEALED: Top 20 bogan baby names for 2018
HOLD on to your hi-vis trucker caps… 2018's most epic bogan names are here. Spare a thought for the babies crawling around with these monikers.
Here's the list for 2018.
1. BYLAN Is this Bylan with a B? 'Cause that sounds rilly silly. Perhaps it's pronounced BYE-lan, which would be marginally better. Overall, NOT APPROVED.
2. CHAVELLE Chavelle simultaneously reminds me of the French word for horse (cheval) and a cruddy '80s car (Chevette). There's nothing more bogan than a name that's made up from random exotic-sounding syllables. Well played!
3. CARRIDYN Google broke when I typed this in. What is our world coming to?! I don't mean to get all dramatic, but the madness has to stop, doesn't it? We need to put a taskforce together… who can we talk to about this?! *sobs into XL wine*
4. ESPIRIT There seems to be some confusion here. "Esprit" is the French word for "spirit" and, well, "spirit" is the English word for "spirit". Why do they seem to have bred and produced this awkward offspring? Sometimes I wish I could call the parents and ask them all of my unanswered questions.
5. HAIRRY BAHAHA! Oh, thank you, Hairry's parents. This is exactly what I needed to get past my dismay over Carridyn… an entry so hilarious that I can no longer do anything but guffaw! Harry misspelt to indicate he's hirsute and with an extra R to boot. FABULOUS!
6. GALAXCIA Apparently the spacy sobriquet Galaxia wasn't spesh enough, so these parents inserted a random "C" in the middle of it. Not only will this child have to explain her interstellar name to everyone she ever meets, she'll have to spell it too. So unlucky.
7. JAZE Jaze, Jaze, purple haze. Poor Jaze will want to go up in a puff of psychedelic smoke when he realises the enormity of the mistake his parents made when they gave him this silly name. Jake, Jade and even Jace can be considered acceptable names for boys. Jaze is a NO.
8. HEAVYN Nevaeh (Heaven backwards) is so 2016, darl. The latest afterlife-inspired moniker is Heavyn… with a Y. You may as well make "With a Y" her middle name because Heavyn knows she'll have to say that every day of her life anyway.
9. KONOR Connor is an Irish name and it's spelt C-O-N-N-O-R. Not Conor, Conner, Konner, Konor or Konnor. See that squiggly red line that appears under your child's name when you type it in a Word document? It means you've SPELT IT WRONG.
10. TANNYYN Pass the Nurofen - I have a migraine. I can't even begin to figure out how to pronounce this atrocity, let alone understand why there are so many Ns and Ys. Tannin? Like the stuff in wine? Or Taneen? Ah heck, I give up.
11. KREIGHTON Creighton is a Scottish surname and Creighton University is in Nebraska. But swapping the C for a K and then slapping it on some poor, innocent baby… it just ain't right. I want to give that baby a cuddle and reassure him that he'll find a way to overcome his bad start in life.
12. WAYVE I googled this and I only came up with Wayne - another bogan name, but at least it's a REAL one. Wave is original enough, so why plague your daughter with an inexplicable Y as well? Sign her up for therapy, stat.
13. SQUIRE SEBASTIAN SENATOR You may have heard the story of the mum who cancelled her baby shower after friends and family made fun of the name she'd chosen for her unborn child: Squire Sebastian Senator. She made it clear that this was his first name ONLY and that he wouldn't be allowed to have any nicknames. "We come from a long line of both squires and senators," she wrote in a Facebook group for the baby shower. "If you look back in our family tree, the survival of this clan is literally rooted in squiredom. We are all related to senators too." Right.
14. LAHNII Names like this give me the twitches. At first, my mind sees it as a lovely exotic appellation - Polynesian perhaps? - but then the stark reality starts to settle in. It was made up out of thin air by mullet-sporting bogans who threw in some double vowels for good measure. Shudder.
15. TAYN In Polynesian and Māori mythology, Tāne was a god. But Tane, Tayne or Tayn pronounced with a bogan lilt is NOT special or unique. It's Zayn with a T or Tāne without the special powers.
16. RYLIEE Another spelling massacre with not two but THREE successive vowels *forehead slap*. We don't need that many vowels. It just makes me want to say "Ryleeeeeeeeeeeee" until I'm out of breath
17. VAELEN Hallelujah! An entry that's not completely made up! Oh, wait… it's the name of the ruins of a city in Dungeons and Dragons. Sigh. Role-playing games are not appropriate resources from which to pick baby names. PASS.
SHAELYN Aw, bless. This is so incredibly bogan that I almost don't want to make fun of it. Shazza and Dazza clearly thought long and hard about what to name their firstborn cowgirl and they NAILED IT. Sibling name predictions: Braelyn and Kaelyn.
19. XAYVYA I love ending on a low note! As far as spelling massacres go, this takes the cake. I mean, you would've had to sit there and brainstorm mind-farking spellings for HOURS to come up with this. Zayviah? Nup, that could potentially be recognised by the human brain as an English word - try again. Xayvea? Not quite. Xayvya? YASSSS, it's perfect!
20. SILVERINA File under: trying too hard. When you invent an epithet that sounds like it belongs to a fairy or a prize cow in a children's book, you need to go back to the drawing board. She'll just be called "Silvi" anyway. Meh.