Samantha X: What men want in bed
A few months ago, I had an evening out with a TV reality star (yes it was as painful as you can imagine) and when we were introduced, she looked at me incredulously and asked: "Are you some kind of PORN STAR?"
The urge to fire back "Are you?" was overwhelming. Instead I shook my head and smiled.
The funny thing is, I am about the furthest thing you can get from a porn star.
In my eight years spent as an escort, one of the most common misconceptions about me is that I must be some kind of sex freak with all sorts of kinky tricks up my sleeve.
That I can swing from chandeliers, juggle, bend over backwards (literally), perform weird and wacky sex tricks you only see on over 18 sites, all with sucking my tummy in and flashing a fake smile.
I hate to shatter your illusions. (OK, I know how to hold my tummy in …)
Because if there is one thing I have learnt about what men don't want in bed, quite frankly, it's excitement.
If anything, and in my experience, they run a mile from anything too kinky. Their needs, sexual and emotional, are actually very, very simple. As I said in my first book Hooked, the simplicity of men is sometimes too complex for women to understand.
I remember once a client named Daz, a gentle and kind man who had travelled 312 kilometres to spend three hours with me, called me up the next day after our date to complain.
"Sorry Samantha, but I found you a little too sexually aggressive," he said.
I ended up apologising to Daz for my sexual ferocity (which really was me trying to jolly things up in the bedroom or else I would no doubt fall asleep).
Don't get me wrong, men love sex. But as for porn star moves? Save that for fantasy.
In my experience, and I can only talk about my experience, here's what men love the most when the bedroom door closes.
THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE
OK, I'm not talking about the kind of girlfriend that has a headache every night just as the lights go off. But the kind of girlfriend that kisses, cuddles and takes things slowly in the bedroom.
"Hurry up and get it over with", "Is it in yet?" and "I don't want my tea to get cold" are not things that men like to hear in bed.
They are quite aware that the actual act of sex lasts just a few minutes, so they like to build up to that moment slowly. The most common question they ask me is "Do you kiss?" Then they say, "I just want someone I have connection with, who I can talk to."
One client called me up to complain about "some of these young escorts who just want to have sex!"
"There's no conversation, no chatting. They just want to get straight at it!" they said.
Funny yes, surprising no. Men like a kiss, a cuddle and a chat even more than women do.
THEY LOVE ORAL
On YOU. Men seem to be starved of it. The married ones says the missus has taken that dish off the menu for good. The single ones just can't get enough and like to learn.
And stop worrying about how you look and taste down there. They DON'T CARE.
They don't care about whether you've had a bikini wax or whether you've just douched yourself or you're not wearing sexy enough undies - they really don't care.
All they care about is are they doing it right and are you enjoying it?
In fact, the number one request I used to get as an escort was not to dress up in stockings and suspenders but to wear my sweaty old gym gear - the sweatier the better.
MAKING YOU ORGASM
Nothing - and I mean nothing - turns a man on more than giving his partner pleasure. He wants you to get messy, sticky, dirty, sweaty and to have fun. Most men get off on their partner getting off, rather than making it about them.
In fact, I've had men say they don't care about whether they orgasm or not as long as their partner is enjoying herself.
You can wear the sexiest lingerie, the highest heels, the most expensive perfume, the perfect blow dry; but at the end of the day if you aren't enjoying yourself in the bedroom, he won't.
Samantha X is an author, former sex worker, madam and sexpert | firstname.lastname@example.org