It’s decor like this that will keep the wolf from the bedroom door.
It’s decor like this that will keep the wolf from the bedroom door. Thinkstock

OPINION: Clean up your act if you're looking for romance

I HAVE had my bedroom painted pink, a sure-fire contraceptive. No man really wants to sleep in a pink bedroom. I have a fluffy dog too. So that's probably a double negative. I figure if I get lucky, I can always sleep there. Other ways to keep men from your door - lots of soft toys on the bed or a sign that says Daddy's Little Girl.

Conversely, I am not going to sleep with any guy who has that picture of a girl barely wearing a swimsuit over his bed, or of a large Ferrari. Making up for inadequacies or what?

I did go out with a guy once who told me his bedroom was a "chick magnet". He had the speakers placed in the wall, so he could flick on his seduction CD when the moment was called for, and he'd decked the room all out in soothing hues. He didn't get lucky, at least with me. In my considerable experience, sensitive reader, here are the other things that turn him or her off taking that step over the threshold.

1. Last week's rubbish, still in green bags in the kitchen, and starting to smell more than a little.

2. A bench that is piled with at least a week's worth of dishes - or, worse, takeaway containers.

3. A dirty toilet.

4. Someone else's underwear on the bed.

5. Pornography ill-hidden under the sofa or coffee table. Ditto sex toys.

6. A flatmate who seems to think there may be a good chance of a ménage a trois.

7. A very large vicious dog, with its testicles intact, called Butch or Killer.

8. A bedroom that is done in roses, ribbons and other little-girl accoutrements.

9. A bedroom that looks as if all he does in there is read Playboy and drink a cold one.

10. Dirty sheets. Eeewwww.

11. A home that looks like it has been robbed just before you got there.

12. A medicine cabinet bulging with fungal cream - and stubble in the sink.

13. His mum in the second bedroom.

14. Her dad next door.

15. Three cats.

So if the person you are hot for is coming over, take a look around. Maybe it's time for a little housecleaning or a little decorating, even if you're a macho kind of guy. For her, maybe stuff some of that gingham and lace in the wardrobe, or make it look like men do actually feel comfortable there (too bad about the pink).

Comfort, taste and consideration are three words guaranteed to increase your chances of scoring a goal. Ironically, these three qualities can also be employed on most dates to make sure your love interest has a better time. But that's another column.